Nurse Zero
by FiraFlame
Summary: Sephiroth decides to get his ass handed to him and in his stubborness he doesn't realize how bad he had gotten it until he ends up passing out. Then it's up to his friend, Zero, to help him out. BAD CROSSOVER D:


I still don't know what kind of crack we were on... But this is basically a re-write of a role-playing chat Saesama and I had one night. Beware of bad humor, puns, pairings, and NEKKID-ness.

Note: Saesama and I roleplay over AIM, in a place we've dubbed 'The Chatroom', which is where this takes place. Among many others, I RP Sephiroth, from Final Fantasy VII, and she RP's Zero, from the Megaman X games. These two have become rather good friends over the years, due to their similarities. The name 'Checkers' refers to their nicknames: Zero is 'Red' and Sephiroth is 'Black'.

Disclaimer: I only own Keeren. Every other character is (c) T.White, Square Enix, or Capcom

* * *

The ebony darkness of the chat room helped to ease the agony, but the headache still remained nether the less. Dull pain flared throughout his body with every step as he trudged into the main area. Farther into the room, close to the furniture, he saw the girls. They've visited exceptionally often lately. The younger of the two, Keeren, was flailing her arms when she then fell into the lap of his comrade, Zero. She started babbling about his newly grafted organ and Zero didn't seem to find her loud mouth very welcome. But sadly Asimov's laws would prevent his effort to remove the child from his lap.

So it was his job.

Or at least, at the moment it was.

With blinding pain ripping through him, he scooped up the girl by the hood of her sweater and let her hang there in front of him. She curled up like a cat, this was amusing.

"Hi Sephiroth!" Keeren beamed, her face flushed. Intoxication?

Sephiroth threw her to the side toward her partner in crime, Teri. They collided together with a squeal. Damn fangirls.

"LAND HO." Keeren bellowed.

"I AIN'T NO HO." Teri barked.

"SAYS YOU."

"SAYS ME."

Sephiroth rolled his eyes and glanced at Zero, who watched the two with a subtle shake of his head.

"Cat got you're tongue?" He heard the younger say. Sephiroth looked to her, raised an eyebrow and said,

"...No."

"HE SPEAKS," Teri threw her hands into the air. "GASPETH."

Sephiroth was tempted to raise the one fingered salute to her, but the pain was too much. He hadn't made it obvious yet so he had yet to show that anything was amiss. He slowly sat onto the couch where Zero was seated and began to fiddle with his boots. Once releasing the many buckles he slipped them off and grimaced at the bruises around his ankles. Deciding to put them up, Sephiroth stretched out onto his back and rested his feet on Zero's lap.

"...comfy?"

"Somewhat." Sephiroth replied. Zero raised an eyebrow and looked around Sephiroth to the couch cushions.

"I think you sat on the remote," Zero commented. "Despite the fact we don't even have a Television."

Sephiroth thought for a moment, and shifted his butt to one side. There was nothing to be felt.

"And why do you say that?"

"'cause I saw it right about where your butt is now."

"Then it's lucky for the view."

Zero frowned, and stared at Sephiroth's large feet resting on his thighs. He barely noticed the bruises around his ankles, but took more notice to the smell.

"...you're lucky I'm lazy." Zero pouted, making an effortless push to get the feet off of him.

"You're lucky I hurt." Sephiroth returned, throwing his arm over his face. Zero, not interested, turned to him.

"Wha' happened t' you?"

Sephiroth realized his mistake in even mentioning he was hurting and sprung up with an easy excuse to ignore it. "It's none of your business."

Zero glowered and climbed over the legs and knelt off the the side of where Sephiroth sat. He grabbed him by the wrist and lifted up his arm. "Oh no, you're not getting out of this THAT easily." Under his arm, Zero found Sephiroth's emerald eyes, tired and angry glaring up at him. Zero gave him a proper azure glare back. For a moment they sat like that, staring into each other. Suddenly Sephiroth pulled his arm away and pushed Zero away from him.

"I _said_ I didn't want to talk about it." He snarled.

"Jeez, someone's in a bad mood." Zero sat up and crossed his arms across his chest. "Did Cloud kick your ass again?"

"...no."

"Mukki?"

"Fuck no." The general snapped.

"Well then, what? It couldn't have been that bad."

Sephiroth bent over to gather his boots when a sharp pain shot up his spine. He sat up quickly while hissing, resting a hand his back. The room became slightly blurry.

"...or... can it?"

Sephiroth shook his head, gently applying pressure to his temple. His headache was coming back full force and it throbbed painfully. He stood, forgetting his boots and he stumbled towards the bathroom holding his temple on the way. He was beginning to feel more weak than in pain and his skin was growing warm, nausea rose up from his stomach and he expected that his lunch would soon be lost.

"Hey! Black!" He heard Zero call from behind him. He entered the white tiled water closet and he winced at the pain the brightness brought him. Sephiroth shut and locked the door behind him and heard the red general curse behind it.

Sephiroth crept over to the sink, attempting to shake the dizziness away. Leaning against the porcelain basin, he gazed into his self reflection. With pale skin and bloodshot eyes, the general looked exactly as he felt, miserable. He turned on the faucet and with cupped hands he splashed icy cold water over his warming skin but it only brought short relief. He was burning up. He undid the straps on his jacket and dropped it to the floor. The metal shoulder-plates clattered to the floor and belts & loops jingled. He stood shirtless in front of the mirror, beginning to glare at the image. He then took another handful and sipped on the cool liquid.

Suddenly, sharp pain in his chest triggered abrupt spasms in his throat and he soon came over with an extreme coughing fit. Covering his mouth, he gripped the sink with his other hand as he fought the racking heaves. His chest ripped with burned pain. His hand on the sink quickly slipped and he fell to his knees. A soft thud followed and echoed throughout the room. The coughing slowly subsided, leaving his throat raw and his mouth tasting of copper. He took at look at the hand he covered his mouth with and there was a small pool of red-violet liquid mixed with water in his palm.

"Fucking hell..." He mumbled through a slack jaw.

There was knocking at the door and Zero's voice called in. Sephiroth pushed himself up and the world began to spin. Suddenly his legs couldn't hold his weight anymore and he nearly fell. He shot out an arm to acquire some sort of support and his hand met the collage of bathroom products on the shelf. They were quickly swept to the floor in his futile attempt to stand. The general, dizzy and nauseous, felt his legs buckle underneath him and he fell onto his back with a loud thump and when his head met the tile floor, spots & stars appeared before his eyes and the pain throughout his body tripled in strength. Before the world went dark around him, he heard Zero's anguished yelling behind the door, calling out his name. The velvet darkness met him in silence.

* * *

For what seemed like an eternity, his world was filled with the darkness. It was silent, accept for the occasional muffled voice. He heard these voices and responded to them. He received little reply. Soon he began to feel as well. Something cool and moist was touching his face and chest, along with it there was a calming voice, mumbling almost conversationally too him. The voice became clearer eventually and he was able to make out several words, but never enough to understand fully.

Although eventually, the ebony began to fade.

Blurred shapes came into his vision, and a golden shape perched on top of a figure was seen. His vision began to focus and he recognized the figure as his companion, Zero. His head was turned and he seemed to be watching the rest of the room, a wet washcloth hanging limp in his hand over the edge of the bath tub. When Sephiroth stirred, a lazy sound came from his mouth and alerted to Zero to him.

Suddenly, everything became crisp and clear and Sephiroth found a pair of worried, cerulean eyes watching him. He also found himself to be naked propped up against the rear end of the bathtub, half submerged in cool water. Hot, flashing pain swelled up inside of him and he found the bright light of the room too much as he closed his eyes tightly.

"What happened?" The general mumbled, raising a hand to his temples.

"You passed out on the floor with a fever." Zero replied simply. There was a splash as Zero wrung the wash cloth dry and he dipped it back into the water. Sephiroth removed his hand and Zero immediately pushed the cool washcloth to his forehead and eyes. The cooling sensation was well appreciated and he sunk straight into the refreshing cloth.

"Was my fever really so bad that I deserved a 'nude' sponge bath?" He asked arrogantly.

"Was and still is," Worry tingled Zero's voice. "And... Valentine made the comment that a sponge bath was the best way to cure such a fierce fever."

Sephiroth pushed the wash cloth up to open his eyes and went to comment but Zero cut him off.

"He also said that I should do it because... well, I'm the only one who wouldn't catch whatever it is you have. If it's contagious at all. Not to mention there was no one else you wouldn't throttle as soon as you came to."

A faint grin graced the General's lips as he raised a hand to hold the washcloth himself. Zero shook his head with a smirk and fetched another washcloth from beside the toilet. He soaked it, and began to massage Sephiroth's bare chest with it. The fact that the red Reploid was rubbing his bare chest with a damp washcloth was uncomfortable, but at the same time enjoyed. Usually in the event that something like this occurred, the General was filled with self pride and would insist he did it himself. But the Zero calmed him, he didn't need to act like the arrogant overlord he sometimes believed himself to be.

"So..." The reploid started. "You going to tell me what happened?"

Sephiroth closed his eyes again, and almost seemed to feign sleep. He then sat up and brought his knees to his chest, leaning against them. The washcloth across his face forgotten as it slipped into the water. Sephiroth, with eyes still closed, racked his memory for what took place.

"I'm... not sure if I remember anymore." He opened his eyes and stared straight forward, then turning his emerald eyes to Zero who had now begun to run the cool cloth over his back.

"Well, whatever it was, it must've hit you like a damned truck." He whistled as he got a look at the bruised stretching across his pale skin.

"...must've." The general mumbled slowly.

Zero's eyes suddenly narrowed and his hand on the washcloth ceased. "Do you... smell blood?" he breathed.

"Might be me." Sephiroth croaked, recalling his earlier coughing episode. Burning pain flared up inside of him as he wheezed and hacked into his open palm. Warm liquid spilled into his hand just before he finished and he glared at the blood swimming before him. Zero peered over his shoulder and raised an eyebrow.

"God _damn_." He cursed, pulling a length of toilet paper from the roll and placing it into the general's blood soaked hand. "What did you get into?"

"More like what got to _me._" Sephiroth remarked dryly as he wiped up the blood. He often enjoyed the color of blood, but not his own. The Jenova cells inside of him changed the color from the delicious crimson he enjoyed to a dark red mixed with purple, a color he often referred to as 'Shit Pink'. He very much disliked his own blood. He made a toss for the waste basket across the room with his blood soaked wad of waste paper, and missed. A shit pink mark was left on the wall.

Zero had resumed his washing, the cool liquid gliding off of his back. He had moved to his lower back area and Zero was half bent over the edge of the bath tub. Without knowing, he ran the cloth over an extra-sensitive spot on the general's pack, where a dark bruise stretched. Sephiroth choked back a yell, and he bit his lip in an attempt to stifle the pain. Zero, startled, immediately stopped and nearly dropped the wash cloth. Sephiroth cursed, and half glared at Zero. The reploid shrugged in return, ignorance being his only fault at the moment.

"Uh, sorry." Zero apologized, holding up his hands just to be safe. He leaned over the tub again and got a good look at the bruise that stretched from just below his waist to the opposite buttock. He whistled again. "Just askin' to make sure, but do you got any pains in the ribs? Any broken bones?" He sat up and leaned toward the front end of the tub, where Sephiroth had continued to lean against his bare knees.

"There is a pain when I breathe, if that's what you mean." Sephiroth sat up, looking slightly down at his bare chest. "Early in training I was taught to turn off the pain if a bone was broken or such."

"I see." Zero remarked. "Reploids are the same, accept it's more of a switch than anything else."

"And then something outrageously horrible happens and you're oblivious to it until the end..." The general mumbled with a frown.

"Of course." Zero reached across Sephiroth's chest and touched him gingerly, feeling the course of his rib bones. They curved, and slanted, until there was a sudden, tender gap. He pressed lightly in this spot and he felt Sephiroth tense up. "...I'm not a doctor, but this does feel uneven... and, well, obviously broken. Does this hurt?" He pressed just a little bit harder than before.

Sephiroth turned his head and glared at the red Reploid with matching emeralds as he clenched his teeth and his body tensed. Zero removed his hand and grinned smugly.

"Asshole." Sephiroth growled, cradling his ribs.

"It happens." Zero smirked. He bent over to pick up the discarded washcloth that Sephiroth had dropped, and he received a proper elbow to the head. Briefly underwater, Zero quickly withdrew himself and his face and bangs were thoroughly soaked. He frowned and snatched up the washcloth.

"I _guess_ I deserved that." He grumbled, wringing it out. "So, do you happen to remember what happened to you _NOW?"_

Sephiroth sighed, and shook his head. "I dimly remember taking a stroll through the remains of Midgar and coming across Hojo's lab." A short cough rolled up through his throat and he released it into his palm. "And a loud crashing came from behind me and then I was waking up atop the remains of the old Specimen pods, my materia was also missing."

"Ouch." Zero winced in sympathy. "And made your way back here?"

"Somehow."

The reploid shook his head, continuing his ministrations with the wet cloth. "Whatever it was, it must've been pissed." He commented.

"And luckily not hungry." Sephiroth added. He thought of the glass he had awoken in. "Do I have any cuts on my back?" He asked, carefully leaning forward again. "I might have gotten the infection from that pod."

Zero frowned thoughtfully and looked, running a careful hand over the general's back. "Plenty of bruises," He said. "But no open wounds that I can see. Thank the gods for leather coats, hm?"

Sephiroth frowned. "Then where could it have come from?" He mused, more to himself.

Zero shrugged. "I don't know. Check your legs."

Sephiroth sat back and lifted his legs individually from the water, feeling a bit foolish. "Just more bruises." He said, dropping his leg with a splash. He looked at his arms, hoping to see the culprit, but found nothing. Where could it be?

Of course. In the only place they hadn't looked.

He almost fidgited, feeling distinctly uncomfortable with asking Zero this but realizing there was no choice. "Can you..." He started. Zero raised a brow at him and he sighed. "Check my ass, it's the only place I can't really look." He said flatly, his eyes daring the repliod to say something smart about it.

Which, of course, he did. "Only you would stumble into dragon mating season." Zero grinned. "Can you stand up?"

"No." Sephiroth snapped, making a private promise to exact his revenge when he felt better. He carefully swiveled around, tucking his knees beneath himself. Leaning forward, he grasped the edge of the tub for support and pushed himself up as far as he could. "This is as far as I'm going." He growled, his teeth grit in pain and effort.

He closed his eyes and held his ribs, feeling ridiculous and vulnerable when he sensed Zero lean closer. He heard a low whistle and opened his eyes. "...What?" He managed.

Light fingers traveled over his skin, that sensitive place where the leg stopped being thigh and started being butt. "A deep gash." Zero stated. "Small, but deep."

"Fuck." Sephiroth muttered. "How did I not notice that? Is it bleeding?"

"No...it's clotted up, but it looks kind of weird." He could hear the confusion in the reploid's voice. "Kind of... glowy, like your eyes. Does your blood normally glow?"

"No. It must be mako, from the pod." Sephiroth replied. "Can I sit down now?"

"Be my guest." Zero said. Sephiroth sat back with a sigh and looked at the repliod, who was sitting back on his heels, his arms on the edge of the tub, looking at him.

"What?" The general inquired.

Zero rapped his fingers on the bath tub edge. "Well," He started. "I guess the smartest thing to do is to get you cleaned up. Can't you heal wounds with those potions from your world? ...super peroxide or somethin'?"

"A potion or two would cure the bruises and the broken bones. A Restore materia would help a lot more." Sephiroth replied, pushing a stray lock of wet, silver hair over his shoulder. "An elixer might help with the Mako infection and prevent poisoning."

Zero seemed to ponder quietly for a moment, resting a finger on his chin. "What was that one that Highwind had the other day... " He snapped his fingers. "A... a, Remedy?"

Sephiroth nodded. "Yeah, that would work pretty well."

"All right, just sit back and relax." Zero stood, drying his hands on a nearby towel. "I'm going to go borrow a few things from them. I'll be back in a few minute." He set the towel down on the edge and strode out of the room.

Sephiroth, now alone, turned to face the room. His body ached and the water was growing increasingly cold. His damp hair clung to his body and did not offer him any more comfort than the water provided. Where was the damn heat? As far as he could tell, his fever had almost completely disapeared but the headache remained and a billowing cough threatened to rise in his throat, but he fought it back, straining against his own internal pain. His lung was most likely punctured. Sephiroth looked past the tub towards the bathroom, and frowned at the mess that remained from his fit. Various bottles of shampoo and lotion littered the floor, along with a few glass bottles that lay shattered in their own contents. If he was lucky he would not have to pay for them. The general also noticed a large blotch of his own blood filling the cracks in the white tiles towards the sink. If he was lucky, he wouldn't have to clean that up either.

Zero had left the door open and he could see out into the chat room, hopefully nobody could see in. He was very much vunerable, sitting in shin deep cold water, weak, abused, and tired. If there was anything he could do right then and there, he would have shut that damn door.

He should have said 'yes' when Hojo wanted to mess around in teaching him Telepathy.

The voice of the red Reploid soon returned as he was giving his thanks to Highwind and Valentine. He entered the room with an armfull of various shaped bottles, at least three distinct patterns in them. Zero set them down on the floor and looked to the general.

"Now, do you drink these things or smear 'em on?" He asked, confused in the works of the foreign world. "To be frank I don't even know the difference between them." Zero waved an absent hand at them and strode up to the bathtub.

"I believe the Remedy is a direct application if it's for a physical ailiament." Sephiroth explained. "Potions, antidotes and Elixers are taken orally."

"Makes sense." Zero nodded. "All right, Let's get you out of there then so I can do this. Can't exactly have it washing off now can we?"

Sephiroth nodded and sighed reluctantly. The bath, though cold and uncomfortable, was looking ten times better than getting the strange cut cleaned. "...Give me a lift?" He asked, lifting his arms.

"Y'know, I think I'm the only person on this planet who'd help you get out of the damn tub." Zero commented as he took the arm, slung it over his shoulder and hoisted him over to the large blue floor rug near the center of the room.

"That's very reassuring," Sephiroth replied, rolling his eyes. "Everyone else would hold me under."

Zero chuckled at his comment. "I know how y'feel."

The Reploid carefully set the general down on his knees, the soft rug cushioning the hard floor. Sephiroth made a breif, quiet comment about the rug before Zero let him lay full stretch upon it, indending to use the Remedy first. He propped himself up onto his elbows and snatched a nearby bath towel to lay beneath his battered ribs. He then turned to Zero, who was examining the assortment of bottles on the toilet. Zero picked up one, searched for some sort of lable, and set it back down when he found none.

"That was the Remedy."

"Oh."

"The tall blue ones are potions," He began to elaborate. "The blocky yellow ones are Antidotes and the strange purple one you were holding is a remedy."

Zero looked at Sephiroth, and then back to the bottles, most likely wondering how someone could remember the types of liquids were in the bottles just by the shapes. He shrugged, and snatched up the remedy and retrieved some cotton balls from a cabinet above the sink. Sephiroth signed, and rested his forehead in his arms. For the second time in the last twenty minutes, with his backside bare and exposed to the world he felt rather vulerable. Then again, this was the better alternative than having his ass examined and probed by some quack of a doctor. He would much rather have Zero doing this than anyone else. It was his ass, he chose who was gifted by it's sight.

Although he deffinently didn't have much of a choice right now in the first place.

"Hey, you alive down there?"

Sephiroth looked up, through his hair, at Zero, his left hand full of cotton balls and his right holding the remedy. He nodded and propped himself up again. The Reploid strolled over to Sephiroth's lower half, kneeling and opening the bottle.

"Now hold still." Zero requested. "For I am about to get somewhat intimate and it may sting."

Sephiroth made a mental note that the word 'intimate' and 'sting' usually don't go good together, at least in situations like these.

"How close does does it go to my--" Sephiroth looked over his shoulder to ask, but was cut off when a cold cream was spread over the cut and the stinging pain it gave made him bite his tongue. He cursed and put his head back onto his arms. After a few minutes, with Sephiroth wincing occasionally and wishing so much he could just kick Zero's teeth in, Zero pronounced himself finished and he took some cotton swabs and an Ace bandage and wrapped him up.

"Luckily, it's not that big." He said as he clipped the badage in place. "Just deep."

"Maybe there'll be a nifty scar." Sephiroth chuckled, pushing himself onto his elbows again.

"Under your ass?" Zero raised an eyebrow and set the remedy aside. Sephiroth shook his head, smirking, and with the help of Zero he slowly rolled over onto his back. He scooted back until he was sitting and leaning against a tower of cabinents. Zero took an Antidote and a Potion from the toilet seat and brought them to him.

"Which do you want first? The piss yellow one or the semi-normal lookin' one?" He inquired, holding them out.

"Piss." Sephiroth leaned his head back and took the bottle from the Reploid after he opened it for him. He sniffed the contents, frowned, and raised it to his comrade. "Bottoms up."

He raised the rectangular bottle to his lips and chugged it down, knowing it would not help his condition at all by chugging it. Although the sooner the stuff was gone the less he would have to taste it. It had almost a thick cold broth texture and went down like a slime.

" What does it taste like?" Zero asked curiously as Sephiroth sat the empty bottle aside.

"Ass." The general replied as the familar boiling pain flared up again and he quickly covered his mouth to fight it back, his other hand pressing on his ribs, the idea of his chest bursting open during these fits was not a pleasant none. Zero quickly grabbed one of the washclothes from the bathtub that was still wet and pressed it into Sephiroth's now bloody hand. He mumbled his thanks and opened the potion himself. This he chugged as well but it went down like sparkling water rather than slime, it tasted like a thousand different exotic fruits mixed together as well. Delicious.

"What about those?" Zero inquired, not as curious as he suspected it to be as disgusting as the first.

"Better than any alcohal I know of." Sephiroth said, observing his legs and chest. The bruises began to fade away leaving perfect, unmarred skin. The larger bruises shrank but did not disapear completely.

" 'suppose you need another then." Zero handed him another bottle and it was gone quicker than the first. The large bruises faded completely and just as they all left, Sephiroth winced and wheezed. Two sickening crunches came from inside the general's chest and Zero saw movement underneath the skin. Sephiroth glanced at Zero and found he was staring at his chest with one of the most scandalized looks on his face he'd seen. The general smirked.

"What in the bloody hell was _that?" _He looked up at Sephiroth with a lax jaw.

"Rib." He shifted. "Or two."

Zero wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Yuck."

Sephiroth frowned and nodded, feeling his ribs. There were no tender spots and no suddenly disapearing ribs. Healed Ribs: Check. Zero picked up the last bottle on the toilet, an antidote, and held it out to Sephiroth.

"Want another? Just in case?"

Sephiroth shook his head. "No, you can't rush infections or they'll get worse."

Zero shugged and placed the bottle in the cabinet.

"I believe you need to take a Human Biology class, or a potions class at least." Sephiroth commented, slowly standing and leaning against the cabinet. He fetched a towel and toga'd it around his waste.

"And I believe you can go fuck yourself." Zero snipped, closing the cabinet.

"Can I have my clothes back?" Sephiroth requested. "Or I might just fuck _you._"

The red reploid scoffed. "You wish."

* * *

And then Sephiroth had a seizure and died. Zero went Vader and went 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO'.

And we all lived happily ever after :)


End file.
